there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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