2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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