He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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