There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
