maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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