i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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