I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
