Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
