I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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