Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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