my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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