i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
