____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
