Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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