So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
