i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize