dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were destined to go to rehab together
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
