Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
