i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
