Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize