it hurts more in the daytime
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
