PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
