I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
