Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
