I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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