I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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