Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
