I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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