I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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