apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
