3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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