I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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