capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
