That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The beers last night were like the tears from god
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
