I met the friendliest cop last night
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
