Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
