The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So squirting runs in the family.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
