I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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