We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
