She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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