can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize