It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Randomize