how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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