Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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