just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
