Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
