My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
