I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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