Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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