you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
