The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
