perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
