I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
worst night to have a conscience
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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