Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
