I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
my poor anus
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
