Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
