What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
