No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
